new oldie but goodies jokes

[beerman]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'


'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'


'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.

[beerman]

OH HELL!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!


Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong .

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.


Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays , Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'


Q.. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

[Uncle Miltie]

Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.


You know your marriage is in trouble if your wife tells you, "You're only interested in one thing." And you can't remember what it was!!

[abayridgeguy]

ROFLMAO!

[Uncle Miltie]

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.


my grandmother is over 85 yrs old and still doesn't use glasses. Nope, she drinks right out of the bottle.


my sister finally married her Mr. Right. She just didn't know his first name was, "Always."